This is the hardest post I've had to write for a long time and the tears just stream down my face as I type. I don't know why but I did another pregnancy test yesterday. For no reason really, I guess I just wanted another positive to re-iterate that things were going well. Only they weren't. The test came up as negative which really threw me. It was a Tesco own-brand make so I kind of thought that maybe it was just a dodgy one. Still we went to get a couple more tests and did two of them - both came back negative.
We were both gutted - what had happened? I've gone from a positive a week and a half ago to a negative now. I tested again this morning with the first wee of the day but again nothing. I was definitely pregnant over Christmas, I was tired and my boobs were full and sore and getting veiny. I'm racking my brain to think when this changed and over the last few days my breasts are no longer sore but that's the only difference.
Yesterday was just awful, Rob and I clung to each other and wept. After a week and a half of being pregnant you start to dream and it was wonderful, I loved being pregnant and feeling pregnant and looking forward to the future. The worst was when Rob took himself off to the bedroom and I could hear him crying. He didn't want me in there for a while and it hurt to hear him so upset and know that I couldn't do anything to help him.
I can't believe this has happened, to get through the long IVF maze and to get a positive result and actually be pregnant only to fall short now.
I'm in a kind of limbo now. The clinic is closed over New Year until next Monday but I spoke to the on-call nurse. She has advised me to carry on with the medication as I haven't spotted or bled yet so there is a minute chance that there is something still going on in there. It doesn't look good though. It's more likely that the embryo(s) implanted and then something wasn't quite right. It's possible that the medication is what is stopping me from bleeding and keeping things hanging on. On one hand I keep thinking 'why did I test?' - I'd be in blissful ignorance now. But on the other hand, if things have failed it's better to know now and get over it rather than suddenly start bleeding or worse, turn up for my scan only to find nothing happening in there.
This is so so hard. I've prayed to God so much in the last two months and I feel like screaming at him 'WHY?!', 'WHY?!' 'What have I ever done that was SO bad that I need to learn these lessons?' I keep asking him to help me be strong but how freaking strong do I need to be? And why?
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