Playing God

It took me ages to get to sleep last night. I should have gone out like a light after all that walking along the sea front and fresh sea air but of course with the Chaucer appointment in the morning too my mind was in over-drive thinking about it all.

I think the thing which really struck me last night was how big a thing it is. That probably sounds really daft but I don't think I'd appreciated exactly what happens. I mean my own normal cycle is completely knocked out using hormone injections. And then more hormone injections stimulate my ovaries to produce lots more eggs than normal which are 'retrieved' with big needles. Then whilst the embryologist does his work with our deposits, I'm sticking more hormones up my bum to make sure my body starts getting itself into a state where I could get pregnant. And then once the embryos are placed back into my womb, I'm continually having my blood monitored and more hormones stuck in places to attempt to kick-start a normal cycle which we've spent the last couple of weeks knocking out!

And then after two weeks, even if I get a positive pregancy test I still have to have hormones for a while until they are certain that my own body actually realises what's happening and starts to do all the right things!

It's a totally artificial situation and I don't think I realised exactly how intensive, invasive and completely unnatural the process was. And it's shocked me. I was wondering at one point last night if I really wanted to do it, if I really wanted to completely shaft my body for a two month period with drugs and hormones. But of course the answer is yes - 100% as I so much want a family and kids of my own. But I'm shocked. Shocked at the process and shocked that for the first time I've actually thought about how much we are trying to play God with all this.

Reading all the literature there are so many risks, so many things which could happen, so many places where it could go wrong. I don't know what to think at the minute. But I know we are going to go for it and whilst I'm trying to play God I guess I need to pray and put myself in Gods hands and trust that he will do the right thing for us. Whatever that may be.