Pain

It's strange, the last 3 days I've hurt a lot. More than I've ever hurt before and I've done a lot of crying. It was all emotional pain. Today I'm bleeding and my stomach is cramping and I'm chomping on pain-killers but this pain is completely physical. The stark contrast made me think.

I'm very much all cried out and I feel slightly like the calm after a ferocious storm. There are still tears below the surface and I'm sure I'll cry more before I am completely healed. But I do feel a lot better today and more positive about the future. This isn't the end. It's just part of the journey. To appreciate the highs you have to experience the lows and at some point in my life the joy to counterbalance this week will be something worth waiting for.

Last night in bed I spoke to God and I could imagine him lying beside me, putting his arm around Rob and I, warming us and comforting us. I asked him to forgive me for not trusting in him and asked for his help in keeping my faith and believing that he was looking after us and our lives. Just before I went to sleep I had a snapshot vision in my head of Rob and I creeping upstairs on Christmas Eve to put stockings in our small children's bedroom. I don't know where that came from but I like to think that it was God giving me some comfort and hope for the future.

I don't know where God was on Tuesday morning when I looked for him and couldn't find him. I don't know what he was doing or why I couldn't find him, but I know that he was doing it for my benefit. Maybe I needed that time alone to cry and think and grieve so he was giving me that space.

My family and friends have also been wonderful this week. I've not been able to speak to any of them as the tears would just be too much but the e-mails and text messages that I've received have made me know how much I'm loved and how lucky I am to have them there.