3rd time unlucky

I tested negative this morning and so I've stopped all my drugs and as its been trying to do since Monday evening, my period has arrived. I don't know what to think really, but I don't think my body was ever really ready for this cycle.

First my period was hardly there when I began and then was mahoosive after the primulot. Then I bled a bit before egg collection which was strange and then it basically arrived 4 days before test day.

I'm desperately trying to stay positive. I can't believe it's a year down the road, three IVF's later and we're still searching for our beautiful baby.

I need to wait a week or so and then seriously think about what to do next. We've had 6 top grade embryos put back into me now and I can't help but feel that I'm the faulty 'part'. For the first time I'm beginning to feel useless and as if it's my fault.

It's very hard that Rob is finding it difficult at the moment and is really down. He's normally my rock that I cry on and it breaks my heart to see it affecting him so much. He would be such a fantastic dad.

I'm sure it'll get easier with time and tears but I just feel so very very sad and full of pain at the moment. We're going to Em's 4th birthday party tomorrow. If things had been normal for us we would have one older than her and probably another younger one by now. It's so very hard.

I'm questioning lots of things at the moment and I'm seriously questioning my faith. If God is our heavenly father who loves us all so much, why would he put Rob and I through this time and again? I've beaten myself up millions of times thinking this is all because of bad stuff I must have done in my youth or in another life. Or perhaps it's to teach me some stark lessons about myself but how can this be? Rob is going through this heartache too and it can't be that we've both been bad or both need those lessons. How can it be that someone who loves us and cares for us would put us through this pain and heartache and just ignore all our hopes, dreams and prayers.

I don't know who or what is out there but for the last year I've been speaking and praying to a brick wall that doesn't listen and doesn't care. Is that really a loving God? Is there really anyone listening? At the moment I seriously don't think or feel so.

And believe me when I say, it really scares me to write those words because I so want God to be there and to exist and to care about us. I so want to believe and to have Him in our lives and to be there. But there's nothing. He's so not there for us at the moment and I just wonder if he ever will be.