Thinking is dangerous

I'm not sure how I'm feeling this evening, it might be fear or it might be sadness or it might just be a general feeling of restlessness. I was reading one of the bulletin boards this evening and one of the ladies who is having IVF at the Chaucer had her follow-up meeting this week and got told her next cycle would probably be the beginning of September. Of course this starts me thinking about my next cycle and when it is likely to be. I don't have my follow-up for another week and a half and so I'm guessing my cycle is likely to be September.

My first thought was 'SEPTEMBER?! That's ages away.' And my second thought was a feeling of sadness and loss. It's the totm at the moment which doesn't help so I'm currently blobbing instead of growing a baby. It hurts a little when you think about it too much. Which is why I don't generally. September isn't actually that far away and I'm sure my body needs a bit of time to get over the last cycle.

For the last weeks I've been busy occupying my physical body and mind with other things and am trying to live my life. Thinking is dangerous. It pushes the covers off my emotions and begins to stir things up again. The trouble with thinking is I never know what being is going to be under the covers. Sometimes it's a full-of-life positive, enthusiastic bouncing tigger. But sometimes it's a scary unrecognisable roaring, moaning beast from the depths of beyond. I have no control on what will emerge.

So I try not to disturb the water...

And now instead of being restless and thinking, I am going to go and get changed into some nice clothes and stick a bit of make-up on because my gorgeous husband is walking me up into the village and taking me out for a meal. Yum Yum!

And this is where we are going - Pad Thai in West Malling.