A sign

I have an online friend who is having IVF. She cycled at the same time as me in November, also at the Chaucer and has been through exactly the same things as me. She got pregnant with the first cycle but later tested negative and miscarried. She also just cycled again but unfortunately got a negative result. She's been very quiet lately as she's having a hard time which I can fully understand.

However we swapped e-mails this week and she said some stuff which gave me something to think about. She is having a year out from IVF and is going to come back to it when she feels up to it. The main reason for this change is that she went to a Tarot reader last week and was told that she would have two children. She says that she is happy as she just wanted to know that she would have children one day and so is okay about giving up for the moment.

This really made me think. My first reaction was to ask myself if I should go and have a reading as it might tell me if I am to have kids. But this also made me feel really uncomfortable. I'm supposed to have faith in God and believe that he has this path for my life. So where does Tarot reading come into all of this? Another girl on the fertility bulletin board had a reading a couple of years ago and was told she would have two boys. She has got pregnant on her first IVF cycle and is now expecting twin boys. Is this fate? Is this co-incidence? Is this God? Do we only hear about the readings where it comes true?

I desperately want to believe that God is in control and he will do what is right for me. I would also desperately love to be told that I will definitely have children at some point and know that this is true. What if I had my cards read and the reader told me I wouldn't ever have children? Would this mean I gave up now and stopped further treatment? And what if they were wrong? What if they were bogus and simply tuned into giving people the answers they so desperately wanted to hear? I might give up treatment and miss out on my chance of being a mum. What if my friend has been fed the information she so wanted to hear but it's not true. She might regret this next year of not-trying.

Sigh. I'm not going to have my cards read. I'm going to trust in God. As I walked to work today I prayed and I asked God to do what is right for us. I asked him for the zillionth time to bless us with children. I also asked him to help me out and give me a sign. Something to give me strength and comfort for the future. I asked him to give me a sign if I will have children.

I don't know if he will. He may have other plans. But it's still game on for me, and for my September-October cycle. We'll keep trying.