Bad Morning

It's been a bit of bad morning. I've been in quite a positive frame of mind lately and to an extent been in a bit of a day-dreaming 'away with the fairies' kind of mood the last week or so. I went to my yoga class last night and came away feeling nice and relaxed and was looking forward to a good nights sleep. But it never happened. I got into bed and my mind was everywhere and the next thing I knew I was stressing. Yes, that old chestnut.

I think it started with work and thinking about my new job. I suddenly had this thought of getting there and being given work and just not knowing what I was doing or how to go about it. And it was a real fear in my tummy and I could feel the adrenaline flowing into my body as I thought this. But I couldn't stop. As the hours ticked by my thoughts went onto my IVF cycle and began to think about how you need to be relaxed for IVF and how some people do acupuncture and reflexology during their cycle to help with relaxing. And all I could think were how stressed I was feeling about work and how my next cycle didn't stand a chance whilst I was feeling so tense. I had such a bad nights sleep and feel terrible today. I tried to have a nap this morning after Rob had got up but I still couldn't sleep. I just lay there in a kind of stunned quiet wondering what had suddenly happened to change my outlook. I ended up sobbing into my pillow for a bit. Why does it have to be like this? Why can't I just enjoy my new job and opportunity and why can't I just chill and let myself look forward to my new cycle? Why does it have to be so difficult? Why does it have to hurt so much? Why it it so hard just to get on with my life? Please, please, please, please God, just let me have a baby.

(I just read my last post - it says 'I'm back together again now (I think)'. I should have known better than say something like that, no sooner is it written and I'm feeling bad again.)