I have a lot of stuff going around my head at the moment and I just can't figure it out. I said yesterday how much I love playing rugby but at the same time I talked about how hard I'm finding it to actually do any exercise at the moment. This week at Beccs the men's 1st team coach is doing the training. I haven't been training this season and I'm not planning on going this week as it's just too far and I just don't have the time or energy to drive all the way up there for the sessions.It's kind of disappointing as it would probably be really really good. Just my kind of sessions as I always moan about the lackadaisical sessions that we often have. I'm really struggling with what to do with my rugby though. I love playing and I need to get fit, but I'm in a place at the moment where that might not happen just yet. So what to do? There's another match on Sunday and I would really love to play.
But I know that the 'would love to play' really means 'would love to play if I were still fit'. So I'm just wondering if playing would be the right thing to do because I know I will be bitterly disappointed in my performance during and after the match when I'm completely knackered after 10 minutes. So would I just end up feeling useless again?
There's other things too - is it fair to my team to expect to play when I haven't done any training and haven't been part of the team at training? I'd feel guilty to turn up and expect to play in those circumstances. That was assuming of course that I made the team and was given a position - which I'm sure wouldn't be the case so I would end up playing out of position which really wouldn't be good, for me or the team. But then if I ended up playing No.8 at some point - would people to be thinking thoughts about me just turning up, expecting to play without having been training?
I don't really know what to do. If I go and watch, I'll wish I was playing, yet if I play, I'll wish I was fit and feel really down because I'm not playing to my potential. I hate doing things in half measures - which begs the question - why the h*ll am I treating myself to half-measures by allowing myself to be so unfit and not do anything about it?
How ridiculous! I started thinking about retirement today and that perhaps I should just stop playing for Beccs altogether - would that be more fair as I can't give them commitment anymore? But I love playing rugby. Why would I want to stop? (But then my head screams at me - but you haven't even started this season!!!) Oh what to do - what to do?
2 comments:
Hmmmm a dilemma.
These are my thoughts:
1 - Train on your own. Make yourself go to the Gym twice a week. Be honest with the club and tell them that realistically you cannot train with them but you are doing fitness sessions on your own and make yourself available to play. Maybe commit to once a month training with Beccs. Put it in your diary and keep it like you would any other appointment.
2 - Play for another club closer to where you are. If it is passion for Rugby that motviates you then you will make new friends and enjoy your rugby anywhere. I know this is a tough option because club ties are strong but you have to do what is right for you.
3. Stop Playing.
I realised the two times I played last year that my passion for playing is gone. I will always be a rugby player, but right now being on the pitch is not where I am at. I love the game, both the mens and womens games, and I will always be a supporter (even if Worcester are awful again!).
Whatever you choose you have to do what is right for you, your fitness and happiness. Hannah x
Thanks Han - it sounds very straight forward when put like that. I didn't play this weekend - when it came down to it I just really didn't want to. I thought it was because I wasn't fit and would have been disappointed with myself and my performance.
But when I saw the result which was a 70-0 loss I just thought 'thank goodness I didn't play!' and I suddenly realised that the reason I don't want to play anymore is because Beccs just aren't going anywhere. That probably sounds awful but nothing changes - we never learn anything new, training is awful and the team carries on losing and not improving. There is a huge potential of new people just waiting to learn but no one to coach them and get those improvements. It's such a waste.
And sadly I just don't want to be part of that anymore. I love the girls and I shall keep doing the website and going to watch and stuff.
BUT I've decided I will start to get myself fit again. I'm going to start running again - very slowly! It probably won't be immediately but I have a strange 2 months coming up. And then when I'm able to commit my time and energy I will drive 5 minutes down the road to play for Aylesford 2nds and hopefully after 7 years of playing...learn how to tackle properly :)
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