October

I can't believe it's October already, the last 3 months have dragged and flown by in turn and here I am at the start of Autumn just wondering what on earth happened the last few months.

I'm doing okay. I went back to work which was a little scary. I didn't really want to join the outside world again as it seemed to just be carrying on without me and that made me feel very small and insignificant. Work has been okay though and probably the best thing to keep my mind occupied. I am actually okay most of the time, it's the little things that set me off and only now and again. Babies crying seems to be the one thing that gets me deep inside every time. I walked past a lady with a pram last week and just as I walked past the baby let out a wail and started crying. And it was like someone had stabbed me inside and tears just sprang into my eyes. It's really horrible.

The rest of the time I feel okay though and to an extent it's almost as though nothing has happened. I feel slightly as if I've partitioned my head and there's a small part of it that's wrapped up and closed off and whilst that's the case things are normal. Now and then the lid is lifted up and things fly out and I fall apart but I guess that's par for the course. I just hope this happens less as time goes by.

I had a scan at the hospital last week which confirmed that everything had gone from inside which is good news. The worst thing would have been if there was something left inside in which case I'd have to have an ERPC after all. Thankfully that wasn't the case and I got signed off by the hospital.

We also went to see Mr E in Canterbury to see what he thought about it all. To be honest there wasn't much he could say as we don't know why it happened and it is something that is relatively common. He has recommended that I get some blood tests done before we try anything else though as there are some conditions which cause 'sticky blood' which could cause this sort of miscarriage. If I test positive I will have to take some other drugs to thin the blood during pregnancy.

So it's kind of back to the drawing board. We have no more frozen embryos and so have to start from scratch which means getting all our screening tests and my hormone tests done again. Then we will have to do a fresh cycle which really scares me as 2 times out of 3 I've ended up in hospital with OHSS. Mr E has recommended a slightly different and shorter cycle which could avoid it so we will have to try that.

But for now it's soldier on, get our tests done, admire the changing colours of the trees and try to remember that no matter what, our future happiness does not depend on our ability to produce children.