Life goes on

So how am I doing? Okay really. I had a lovely weekend, we decided to drive all the way up to Leeds on Saturday to see Wasps vs Leeds and it was a gorgeous day, we met with some friends up there and it was a really nice day. It felt like a mini-adventure, a break from the norm and probably just what I needed. We then came back via mum and dads, staying over on Saturday night and seeing Richard, Sandra and the kids on Sunday.

Getting the negative on Thursday was very disappointing and it was a very hard day to get through. On Friday I felt better. It's a hard thing to describe. On one hand I can now eat what I like again, do whatever sport or exercise I like and take medicine and pain-killers. Life does go on, I get up, I go to work, I chat with my colleagues and get on with my work. I go out, I live, I love and I find joy in the things I do and see. And most of the time I am happy. But just a chance remark or sight or thought at a random moment can stir up the murk in the bottom of my heart and makes me feel sad, very very sad.

Going through a negative cycle isn't a patch on the pain of having a miscarriage. A negative result is exactly that - it just didn't work, over 60% usually don't. It's hard to take but there's nothing actually lost even though for a while it feels as though your hopes have been slashed apart. A miscarriage is an actual loss of a baby which was positively there as well as the loss of the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. That really really hurt. It does kind of scare me because all those emotions are inside me from both cycles and I guess I keep packaging them away and pasting over the joins.

This evening I had a bit of a cry. My cousin had a beautiful baby girl last week and had posted some photos on Facebook. I'm over the moon for my cousin and have been e-mailing her throughout her pregnancy. She knows I'd like a baby but only my immediate family know anything more. The photos were just beautiful of Jamie and Mark with Poppy - they look so proud and happy with their little bundle and it was only afterwards that I fell apart for a while. I'm so happy for them but so achingly sad, jealous, angry and empty that I can't be in their position.