Getting by

Today was really difficult. When I tested this morning even though I had doubts about it having worked I still had my hopes raised that perhaps the period-like pains might be the embryo snuggling into my womb. The test was pretty conclusive though, no second line, not even a faint one. I've therefore stopped my medication and I guess my period will arrive in the next 48 hours. Ironically I've not had any pains today, perhaps they've just been eclipsed by the pain in my heart.

I was actually pretty okay until I phoned the Chaucer at 8am to tell them and make my follow-up appointment. June 23rd is the earliest they can see me. I've just paid nearly £4000 for my cycle and I can't even get to talk to my consultant for another 6 weeks. It did my head in and I just felt desperate and out of control of my life. If my follow-up is June then another cycle won't be for ages. I kind of feel like I can't deal with this any more.

I'm not ready to give up yet. I want this baby so much. I want this so much for Rob and I that just thinking about it not ever happening really hurts. It just really hurts. And I'm scared that if this time didn't work. Why should it work next time? Or the next? Or the next? How far do we take this? How far can we take this?

Please God, please bless us with a family.