I've had a really down day today and at lunchtime walking to the shops and on the way home after work I was more or less crying - I'm SO glad it was a hot day and thank goodness for dark sunglasses!! I'm just feeling that it hasn't worked this time. I know that I don't know that for sure but my body is just telling me that my period is due any day soon.
Normally I gradually get sorer boobs towards the end of a normal cycle and they get fuller until around 1-2 days before my period arrives when they go back to normal and then I start spotting. Well that is exactly what is happening to me now (although I'm not spotting) and I've got grumbles in my womb which normally go on for a day or so before my period starts. I also had such a down and sad-feeling day today which also always happens for just one-day just before my period. I'm just so sure from the way my body feels that it hasn't worked.
In the office before lunch I actually felt like I had already tested negative - for heavens sake I still have two days before testing!!! But I felt awful and started going in my head with the 'why me's?', 'it's not fair', 'will it ever happen?', 'what am I going to do?', 'how am I going to survive?' etc. ARRGGHH!! I know this is just one cycle and if it doesn't work it means nothing but at least last time I got pregnant even if I miscarried. This was a near-perfect cycle and didn't work so it just feels so so so so so negative.
I keep asking God for a miracle baby. I also keep asking him to give me strength and faith and to do whatever the right thing is for Rob and I and our life. My faith is so wafer-thin as much as I try to be strong that I'm finding it so hard to believe that whatever happens is for the best. People at work must see me walk off for lunch all cool, calm and collected and they don't realise that inside is a woman with tears streaming down her face, pulling her hair out and just screaming at God - GIVE ME MY BABY.
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