Emotion

I felt really low this morning. Last night Rob told me that his cousin's girlfriend had just found out she was pregnant. I'm really pleased for them as A (Rob's cousin) is a really lovely guy. He has MS and doesn't get paid sick leave (I know - I'm sure it's illegal!) so whenever he has an episode and has time off he doesn't get paid and he doesn't earn much anyway and so he worries about his bills and stuff. Anyway I'm really pleased for them. A had been concerned that we'd be upset when we were told the news as that's the nice kind of guy he is.

I have to confess that sometimes when I'm told about people being pregnant it does hit me. Sometimes it doesn't but I never really know how I'm going to feel. It's more the jealousy thing I think and the 'Why not us?' and 'When is it our turn?' kind of thing that goes through my head. Especially if the pregnancy wasn't planned and 'just happened.'

So this morning I got up and just felt really down. I took one look in the mirror and for some reason where my highlights have been growing out I thought I might have some grey coming through (which I don't actually think I have - d'oh!) which made me feel old and then made me think if I was old I wouldn't get pregnant and made me feel even worse. So by the time I was driving to work I had a cry. I hate feeling like this. I had to pick up a parcel from the Post Office before work and I cried most of the way back until I finally started to shout at God 'Why?!', 'What did I ever do that was so bad?' It felt really good to scream at the top of my voice and I was actually shocked by the ferocity with which it came out.

I had a quiet morning at work, plugged my head-phones in and kept my nose in my work. By lunchtime I felt so much better and went for a Costa's with Big-T. I told her about my morning outbursts and felt fine, and have done since. Long may it continue.