Difficult days

The last few days have been some of the hardest I've ever faced. On Tuesday and Wednesday we went through disbelief and astonishment so many times, it was just so hard to believe that I was no longer pregnant. After a whole 7 weeks of hoping, praying and just loving being pregnant it seemed unreal that it could have just been taken away.

I had a hospital appointment yesterday which was so tough. It was the early pregnancy unit and so the waiting room had other pregnant ladies in. When we got seen the scan report hadn't been sent through and we didn't have an appointment for a scan so they couldn't really do much for me until one was done. I just wanted it all to be over there and then and I ended up bursting into floods of tears in the room, I was so full of despair and afterwards Rob said it was all he could do to stop himself crying too. It was horrible. We walked out of the hospital and I cried all the way back to the car. I'm a very private person and I don't cry in public I always hide it away at home but this hurt far too much for it to be kept inside.

We went back today and had another scan. I broke down in the waiting room again. It was full of women with bumps and some with babies and I just couldn't help it. The nurses were so kind to me though and answered all my questions about things. We saw Munchkin on the screen again, much smaller than the first time. They think that he must have died shortly after our first scan at around 8 weeks old. It's so sad. I now have a choice as to wait and miscarry naturally or to go and have an ERPC (emergency removal of the remains of pregnancy - lovely eh?). Yesterday I just wanted the op to finish things but today I'm not so sure. The op does have a few risks that it could affect future fertility and I don't really want to risk that.

However by the time I got home I found that I was spotting so I think that it might be out of my hands now. I feel like Munchkin waited so that we could see him one last time on the screen to say goodbye. And now he really is leaving us. I can't tell you how much that hurts.