Sweet dreams

I had a dream about my Great-Nan the other morning. I'd had quite a disturbed night so I guess it's no shock that I was dreaming about all sorts of things in the morning, most of which I can't actually remember at all. However I remember dreaming about being on some sort of Polar expedition and then that dream moved over to my Nan's house where I was waiting impatiently for two people to hurry up and come along with me out into the snow. But they were tending to the fire and couldn't because they were waiting for it to go down. I had a quick look and strangely the fire was in the bottom of the Grandfather clock (rather than in the fireplace which is right next to the clock!) and I opened the clock door and we realised it was burning inside too. We panicked a bit as the whole lot looked like it was about to go up so I ran out into the kitchen to get some water. Then I remembered that Nan had soda bottles so looked in the kitchen cabinet for a bottle and went back and sprayed it on the fire.

Anyway, we were just leaving and I called goodbye to Nan. She looked up at me and was absolutely beautiful. Her hair was in an old 1960's style (identical to her old passport photo which I have - ironically in real life I probably never saw her with this style!) and she said 'Come and give me a hug as I won't be here when you get back. You won't see me again after this.' I was dismayed but knew instantly that she obviously knew it was her time to go. I asked her what was up and she came out with a very complicated medical term about heart valves. (I have no idea now what it was and I'd love to know if it was a real condition - but it rolled out of her mouth at the time.) I asked if they could do anything but she said she wasn't going to tell anyone as she was ready.

And that was about it really, I think I woke up then.

There are two things about this dream;

1 - I haven't thought about Nan and Pop's house for a while now, as it's been out of the family now for over 15 years now but in my dream I could see everything exactly as it was. Isn't it bizarre how even in a strange dream (with fires burning in Grandfather clocks!) I could see the fireplace and the vases on it and Nan's chair by the window. And then when I went into the kitchen there was detail in it which I'd completely forgotten and my conscious mind wouldn't have recalled if I'd even tried to think about it. I woke up trying to recall the kitchen cupboards and how they looked to remember if they were as they were in my dream! And as for the soda bottles - where did that come from? I don't actually know of any other house where there were soda bottles and Nan didn't drink it very often, I can't even remember seeing her use one. But in my dream, I knew it would be there and went to get it. It's immensely comforting to know that deep down in my subconscious mind I have stored all the details and the memories.

2 - Nan looked beautiful in the dream. I think my dream was recreating the idea that people often (supposedly) look younger and fitter than ever shortly before passing away. I'm feeling really really emotional now writing this. I loved my Great-Nan so much, we were very very close. For years after she died (and still now) I would get teary if I saw a pretty sunset or something extraordinary in nature as it always made me think it was her out there saying hello to me. And this dream is no different. I feel like she has somehow reached out to me again across the years, the miles and the universes just to say hello, I'm still here and I love you. And that is such a wonderful thing.

My Nan was a believer. The rest of the family kind of went through the motions with her but she never missed church and always dressed in her Sunday best with hat to attend. It's always been because of her that I've wanted to believe too. Somehow my love for her and my wish to be close to her is what makes me reach out to God. I find myself swaying in the wind and not knowing what to believe or what to reach out to. I treasure her personal bible with cuttings and keepsakes tucked away in it and sometimes I open it and try to find inspiration but to be honest it usually might as well be in Dutch or German. But one thing I hold dear and close to me is that I will meet my Nan again one day. How do I know that? I really don't know, but dreams like the one this week just make me know even more deeply that she isn't gone. She's just somewhere different to me at the moment.