Tough Going

Today was a really tough day, it's two days until I have to test and I've been really positive up until now. But I just got that feeling last night, that weepy blue feeling that creeps up, usually a day before my period. And now I'm convinced that this hasn't worked again. All my negative cycles have ended this way with me feeling really really upset a couple of days before test day. I just know it's not worked and it hurts so much.

I had quite a few tears this morning before work and coupled with the fact that I hardly slept last night, work was quite a challenge. It was all I could do to hold tears back at points and I just couldn't concentrate, trying to concentrate on code and testing just did my head in. When I eventually got into the car to drive home I was finally able to let it out and the sobs just shook through me and the pain just came bubbling up.

It's so hard to explain, I'll be okay by test day on Wednesday. It's just for the last two weeks I knew that I had two embryos inside me and it's hard not to dream and think about all the 'what-if's'. And when realisation comes that it's not going to happen it just hurts. Damn it hurts so much. For a few moments today I realised why some people take their own lives. That sounds very melodramatic and please don't think that's something I'd do because I know for certain it's something I would never ever do. But the pain that I felt earlier today was so deep and so desperate that I couldn't see a beginning or an end and I just wanted it to stop. And in those moments I felt such pity for people who get to that point where things are too much and there is only one way of stopping it.

I know I'm blessed. I know that no matter what, I have my wonderful life, husband and family. But it still hurts like crazy that we can't just do this one normal thing that other people do without even trying.